


Feeling Yourself Disintegrate

by natantrash



Category: Satan and Me (Webcomic)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2019-08-21 11:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16575434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natantrash/pseuds/natantrash
Summary: Spoilers for comic #197.Natalie addresses some of her nagging feelings following her use of the contract.





	Feeling Yourself Disintegrate

When he said he would take her to the beach, this wasn’t exactly what she had in mind. For starters, she assumed that it would be during the day, not at 2:00 in the frickin’ morning. “Um, should we even be here right now? I think we just passed a sign that said no trespassing…” she said.

“Relax, kid. No one’s going to care unless we’re out here drinking or starting bonfires or some other stupid shit. Besides, the beach is far more relaxing at night when there’s no one else around to fuck it up,” he responded, smirking.

Natalie thought about arguing, but decided against it. She continued walking behind him. He was right about one thing—it was very relaxing. As they approached the water, she started focusing on her surroundings. She could see the lights of the Santa Monica pier to her right. It was only half a mile away, but for some reason, the sound of the waves softly meeting the shoreline made the pier seem farther. Even as she looked at the lights, she found herself being distracted by the stars. Although they were so close to the city, she still found the stars more breathtaking here than she ever did anywhere else.

Her thoughts were brought back to earth by Lucifer plopping down in the sand. “C’mon, girl. Sit. Enjoy the view.” She slowly sat by him and brought her knees to her chest. Why did this feel so… weird?

She felt like she couldn’t make eye contact with him. Everything seemed so different. She was glad that he was happy, but she also felt very confused. Confused and…scared? Why was she scared? She started drawing circles in the sand with her finger to distract herself. She focused on the grainy texture of the sand and the soothing sound of the ocean ebbing and flowing. She tried to match her breath to the waves to fend off the all-too-familiar feelings of doubt.

Natalie could feel him staring at her. She sighed and looked up to see him smiling peacefully at her. That still felt weird to see. His eyes were shining so brightly that her breath caught in her throat. They were a shade of bright gold that she had never seen in him before. She felt like his eyes were competing with the moonlight. Lucifer nudged her with his shoulder. “What’s eating you, kid?” She never remembered him being so comfortable with physical contact before.

She felt herself slipping into the I-don’t-want-you-to-worry persona that she had crafted over the years and immediately returned a winning smile. “Nothin’!”  She began to take off her shoes and socks. Lucifer raised an eyebrow at her suddenly bare feet. “Just because you bring me here at night doesn’t mean I’m not getting in the water!” She laughed and sprang to her feet. Natalie darted to meet the ocean before Lucifer could say another word.

“OH MY GOD, IT’S COLD!” she yelled when the water touched her feet.

“NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!” Lucifer yelled back, reclining on his elbows. She stuck her tongue out at him and turned to face the ocean.

She felt less strange distancing herself from him. She focused on the physical sensation of sinking into the ground as the waves deposited more and more sand on her feet. She found the dappled reflection of the moon mesmerizing. Small birds ran up and down the coast. She didn’t even know that such small birds were active at night. She began to lose herself in her surroundings again until she felt Lucifer’s presence near her. Again, she was shocked by how close he was to her.

“All right, Nat, what’s going on?” She was always surprised when he used her actual name instead of “kid” or “girl.” “You’re being weird. Not that you aren’t usually one step away to being committed,” he paused for her reaction. When she didn’t react, he continued, “But this is different. You think you’ve got your happy-go-lucky act down, but even your ditz of a dad could figure something’s off with the way you’re behaving right now.”

She didn’t initially respond, wondering if she could possibly retreat to her usual tactic of avoidance and smile her way out of this one. She made the mistake of making eye contact with him and seeing what may have been genuine concern. Then, she couldn’t stop herself from talking.

“I’m scared, Satan. I’m scared because people always leave. Mom left. I know it wasn’t on purpose, but the fact is, she’s not here anymore, and she hasn’t been for a long time. After that, Dad left, in his own way. Sure he came back, but I remember the days when I spent more time by myself in Mom’s computer room. And now he works all the time, just like Mom did. Max left in a way when he withdrew into himself until he could get out to college. And then he literally left for college. I know he tries to make up for it now, but it doesn’t take away the feeling of not having a brother sometimes. Sometimes it feels like I raised myself as an only child. Friends from school ended up leaving. I got comfortable keeping friendships superficial because then it wouldn’t hurt if people left. Yeah, I have tons of friends, but I always find myself trying to be there for people more than I think they’ll ever be there for me.

“And then you came along. Completely on accident, I know. But you were there, and it was so strange because you  _had_  to be there. There was no choice in it. And I got used to you being there. You were a constant for me.” She was so thankful for the darkness because she was sure that he couldn’t see her embarrassed blush as she continued to tell him things that she had never said out loud before.

“And now… now you can leave. For real, without breaking contract. Don’t get me wrong, I would still use it like I did in a heartbeat. But now the certainty is gone, and I don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m scared.” She stopped; partly because she was nervous about what his response would be, and partly because she could feel a lump rising in her throat. His eyes were once again unreadable. The silence between them hung heavily in the air, and she lowered her eyes to momentarily escape the stillness.

And then he did something that she never thought in a million years that he would do. Lightly, he kissed her on the forehead. It was such a simple gesture, but it felt more intimate than any other touch she had experienced in her life. She raised her eyes to meet his. If she thought his eyes were bright before, then now his eyes were absolutely radiant. She was so entranced by them that she nearly forgot what they had been talking about. He broke eye contact first. “Look, ki… Natalie. I can’t explain it. This is the first time I’ve ever… Hah, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.” He looked at her… sheepishly? Can the devil be bashful? “All I know is even before you used your contract for me, being around you made things…  _some_ things different. Better. So I stayed when you gave me the chance to leave. And I still don’t feel like leaving. I can’t give you any words that you might want to hear, because I can’t even find the words to explain it to myself. Just—whoa, are you crying?”

She was crying. She didn’t even realize she was crying. What the heck? Natalie quickly wiped her eyes with her sleeve. Lucifer chuckled. “Jeez, kid. I didn’t know that hearing I’d still be around would upset you that much.”

“Shut up.” Natalie said, turning away so he couldn’t see the reluctant smile growing on her face. “I’m glad you want to stay. It’s just very… it’s very hard for me to believe it. But you know what? I’ve trusted you before and there’s no reason to stop trusting you now. I should really know better… everything else with you has been different. So I’m going to trust that this will be different with you, too.”

Lucifer gently cradled her face in his hand and brought his face closer to hers. “I’m glad we squared that away. Now, I have a very important question for you.”

“Yes?”

“Can we get out of the fucking water now? It’s fucking freezing.”

Natalie giggled and elbowed him in the ribs as she turned away from the ocean. “You’re such a nerd.”


End file.
